No one will ever see this

No one will ever see this. Just like no one will ever know I'm here.

I don't know where to begin. At the beginning. That's too hard. Maybe I'll go backwards. Maybe I'll start with today and hopefully it will both be the beginning and the end.

It's a long weekend. Today this person who refers to me as his girlfriend to others but never calls me that said some things to me. Here are the following things he said:

I'm a bitch for certain reasons he names.
The sex is gone out of the relationship and he doesn't have any hope there will ever be any more.
He has decided I don't like sex (he has said this many times). In particular he likes to say I don't like sex with him.
His knew thing to say is that to have a committed relationship sex is a big part and in essence the determining factor for success.
He has decided we are not compatible because I won't suck his penis and because I'm no comfortable with it I must not want to give him any pleasure.
He likes anal sex and because I'm not comfortable with it and it hurts, I don't want to give him pleasure.
He's very chartible and gives me oral sex because I enjoy it. (he's doing me a favour)
He has pointed out which women he finds sexy...those in tight clothing, those who swing their hips just so.
When I feel so bad and self pitying, he kicked me down even further. e.g. I said I was hopeless, he said I probably am.
He screamed telling me I'm a timid driver, screaming at me to turn here, turn there to the point I was crying so much while driving I nearly hit a car and that car would have hit my side, the drivers side, and injured me...badly.
He said he loves me and cares about me that much that he wants to have children with me. (This from the person that said all the above to me today.)
He doesn't even seem sad, upset or anything when I'm crying and hating myself. He will leave me there and has.
He would rather not be around me now that he has hurt and ruined who I am.
Everything is "your fault" or "my fault", never shared.
It's always "me" or "you", never us.
He expects me to cooperate with him, never he cooperate with me.
I don't meet his need

I don't want him in my life.
I don't want him in my head.
I don't want to remember all the pain caused by his words and actions.
I don't want

Craigslist Sucks!

Craigslist used to be so much fun. Now there are so many rules. It's such a pain in the ass. It's always the whiners who want things just so that get things their way ruining the fun for everyone else.

Can't over post. Can't post things like this or that. Who decides? There is no freedom of speach anymore! For example, the following "LOser List" was flagged. Why?!!?!!


You're not an alocoholic

you're not one of these fanatic smokers that will leave a girl you're with to go bum a cigarette

you're not homeless

you don't just require someone to gratify you with sex

you don't feel the only real women out there are those that are pregnant and/or have children

you don't go around doing lamaze with a pregnant women rather than spending time with the girl you claim is your girlfriend

you don't choose to drink all night with work colleagues every night instead of spending time with the girl that you're living with

you don't say no with the girl you're living with and sharing a bed with offers to have sex with you ever night, multiple times for a week...as a start!

You're not stupid

You don't tell the girl you're with that her cooking would be better if it was done like this or that especially when she's buying the food and cooking it for you

you don't tell the girl that you're with that you find women that wear these shoes and those shoes more attractive and hot and sexy especially when the girl you're with doesn't have those clothes, can't afford then and YOU, the guy who likes that stuff, can't even offer to buy her the stuff especially when she's willing to try it if it's bought for her.

Titika: Active wear for vacuous people

More overpriced, athletic clothing made by people that don't actually do any athletics. After the rise of lululemon everyone is a clothes designer of active wear for women. But this stuff is shit. The fabric is tough, the logo looks like it's a sticker and the stuff is made in a sweat shop in china somewhere. Sure they use nice bright colours but some of the designs, I don't know many people wearing stuff like that in a spinning class or running a marathon in it. All their models are vacuous and void of any substance. They also don't really take the older person into account. They also don't make clothing for men. Then again, who can really take a man seriously who wears lululemon or any other form of "active wear"? It's not just their clothing that leaves something to be desired or their pricing, which isn't really all that cheap. Their interpersonal and professional skills and courtesy with local businesses leaves a lot to be desired. They are not people of their word. They are dishonest, they forget, they take advantage of others using their "story" to get support and what they want. They use the "Beaches business handshake" to avoid committing to anything in writing and conveniently forgetting what they shook hands over. The one half decent thing about their stuff is that they put a rack outside of unsold items at a reduced price, not reduced enough, of course, but still reduced. They are smart enough to choose locations where real shops of active wear won't waste their time.

Why are there so many unhappy, lonely people in Toronto?

Why the fuck are there so many unhappy, lonely, bitter people in Toronto? I'm so scared I will end up like that. I so don't want to be in the city for fear of turning into some sort of self centered prick, if I already haven't. I've heard about people in Toronto thinking they are the centre of the universe but who has the right to give a stranger advise? There are so many opinionated people in this city and all quite happy to offer this opinion to anyone and everyone. God! I sometimes feel I've started doing that. I hate myself when I catch myself doing it which unfortunately is usually after I've done it.

There are also tonnes of people in relationships with families and homes and lifestyles and even then, they don't seem happy. Always running and rushing around, doing this and that and never really knowing where they're going. Makes no sense to me. Maybe it's just my first experience really living in a city with so my variety in terms of industries, people and everything else but even then, I don't think that's it. It's something else. It almost feels like people have to either fit in in some community or they don't fit in. As for what that community is, I don't know. It can be residential, ethnic, professional, extra curricular, sports, social, political, generation etc. but if you don't fit in or don't belong to one, you seem to end up not belonging and the result seems to be ....
lots of unhappy, lonely people in Toronto.

Toronto sucks.

Bootcamps and dogs - not so fetching

How many bootcamps do we need?
Best Body
Body Buster
Bikini Bootcamp
Belly Bootcamp
Fit Body Bootcamp
Fitchicks.ca
Buns of Steel Bootcamp
fetching (bootcamp for owners and their dogs)
and more!

Bootcamp has become a new form of fitness. When you ask something, what do you do in terms of fitness. Bootcamp is an accepted response.

fetching.ca The owner thinks they are the only new business out there and everyone needs to give them a chance. No one gives anyone a chance. You have to make your chance.

Fucking losers!

Tutor Doctor Malpractice?

There is this tutoring company called Tutor Doctor that was started here in Toronto. They started over 10 years ago. I believe they started with math tutoring. The idea is to go to the students' home and tutor them there, in a familiar, comfortable environment so that they do their best. Sounds like a nice and good idea. Well, through the grape vine, from and friend of a friend of a friend....it seems they charge their students (the parent) over twice as much as they give the actual tutor. So $40 for an hour of tutoring and the actual qualified tutor gets only $18. Now, this was some time in 2003. Now in 2010 how's the doctor's practice? Well, it seems tutor doctor now offers tutoring in all subjects at all levels including university and even the phd level. Right! Not all phd's can teach all courses. As for the rate per hour, well, that depends. What the hell? What does it depend on? It seems the good doctor makes house calls. The doctor comes to your home for free, how generous, gives your child various tests to assess his or her needs, arrives at a conclusion and the tells you what the diagnosis is, prognosis, medication and antidote required. They will also tell you how much it's all going to cost. Interestingly enough, these tutors aren't teachers. Not a problem as not all teachers as the best ones to teach your child with their particular needs. However, who they, this tutor doctor, to decide how much it costs to get help for a particular subject? Just because a subject may be less common than another doesn't mean it should cost more to learn it. Just because you need help at a higher level, doesn't mean it should cost more per hour. Just because you need more help, doesn't mean it should cost more per hour. Just because you are unique and need help that the average instructor can offer, doesn't mean it should cost more. Just because tutor doctor has been around and has grown, doesn't mean they are the best help or help at all. If anything, tutor doctor helps themselves.

Beaches jazz festival fortress

So this was a nice change for the Beaches. There was some life in the neighbourhood and people in it too. Unfortunately, the life only lasted for three days and only for 4 hours each night. Life eagerly started at 7pm each night and was promptly halted at 11pm. It's very sad that music, dancing, food and happiness has to be done within strict time restrictions. But here in Toronto in the Beaches, everything must be done within specified boundaries. There is no freedom unless it's within the bylaws here in Toronto. It was amazing how many police officers there were. At 2-3 at each intersection and a court vehicle, police car, police on bicycles, parking police and even police on horses. And of course they didn't poop and scoop after the horses! The jazz festival itself wasn't all jazz. It was everything, blues, latin music, big band music and even some jazz. It's called the International Beaches Jazz festival. I thought that meant it was known throughout the world. Well, now I know why it's called that, they have groups from all over the world, but, not real well know, if known at all, groups from where ever in the world. They were good but it is very misleading. Toronto has it's own jazz festival just before the Beaches one. I don't understand why the Beaches had to have it's own. But, it seems they've been doing it for 22 years now. I think it's an excuse to finally give everyone in this Beaches area a chance to finally live for a few days and not be forced to live within the strict rules of the white bred leaders of the Beaches community.