Saturday, September 4, 2010

No one will ever see this

No one will ever see this. Just like no one will ever know I'm here.

I don't know where to begin. At the beginning. That's too hard. Maybe I'll go backwards. Maybe I'll start with today and hopefully it will both be the beginning and the end.

It's a long weekend. Today this person who refers to me as his girlfriend to others but never calls me that said some things to me. Here are the following things he said:

I'm a bitch for certain reasons he names.
The sex is gone out of the relationship and he doesn't have any hope there will ever be any more.
He has decided I don't like sex (he has said this many times). In particular he likes to say I don't like sex with him.
His knew thing to say is that to have a committed relationship sex is a big part and in essence the determining factor for success.
He has decided we are not compatible because I won't suck his penis and because I'm no comfortable with it I must not want to give him any pleasure.
He likes anal sex and because I'm not comfortable with it and it hurts, I don't want to give him pleasure.
He's very chartible and gives me oral sex because I enjoy it. (he's doing me a favour)
He has pointed out which women he finds sexy...those in tight clothing, those who swing their hips just so.
When I feel so bad and self pitying, he kicked me down even further. e.g. I said I was hopeless, he said I probably am.
He screamed telling me I'm a timid driver, screaming at me to turn here, turn there to the point I was crying so much while driving I nearly hit a car and that car would have hit my side, the drivers side, and injured me...badly.
He said he loves me and cares about me that much that he wants to have children with me. (This from the person that said all the above to me today.)
He doesn't even seem sad, upset or anything when I'm crying and hating myself. He will leave me there and has.
He would rather not be around me now that he has hurt and ruined who I am.
Everything is "your fault" or "my fault", never shared.
It's always "me" or "you", never us.
He expects me to cooperate with him, never he cooperate with me.
I don't meet his need

I don't want him in my life.
I don't want him in my head.
I don't want to remember all the pain caused by his words and actions.
I don't want

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